Instant gratification has become the way of the world—particularly, the way of our world. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone has ever been excited to be patient. (…if that’s even possible) There is something to be said for putting in the work and embracing the journey. If we are being totally honest, anything worth having requires effort. I hear my momma’s voice saying, “You get what you pay for.”
You do get what you pay for.
I’ll give you an example, and a trigger warning for those who need it.
During the first year of my undergrad, I was raped. I had no clue how to move forward after the assault. I didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t know how to process it. I didn’t know how to heal from it, and it showed. I was struggling with feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. I remember being consumed with confusion because I couldn’t determine if I felt validated because someone “wanted” me, or ashamed because I wasn’t worth loosing my virginity in a special or romantic way.
I went into survival mode and learned to cope with drugs, clothes, attention, and whatever else temporarily validated my insecurities. If I’m being real, I was so far gone it felt like the coping worked. I was living under the false pretense of happiness and fulfillment, and because no one was threatening my illusions of splendor, I invested in emptiness. Did you read that? I said because I lied to myself so much, for so long to cover up my pain, I built myself, my livelihood in delusion. I had no choice but to start over.
The part that stabs at my heart is I believed the copping worked, but it didn’t. It covered up adequately, but it didn’t work for personal growth and the healing process. I truly thought I had overcome my insecurities and hit a heavenly self-love plateau. In my illusion I was perfect, but behind the false lashes I was so far from fulfilled.
So many time we find ourselves doing things that make us feel good after trauma, and that’s cool but it’s important to remember to do things that are uncomfortable so we don’t end up living in toxicity.
I’ll be honest, these days I’m still working toward healing the right way. I’m still building the habit of wildly and unapologetically loving myself. I’m still growing into fulfillment, and that’s okay! Don’t get me wrong, it’s taking foreverrr, and the process is a messy one, but this time I want to intentionally invest in my best self. I needs that ROI, okay?! So, the ancestors and I are buckled in for the journey—we’re trusting the process in full and taking the scenic route.
It’s been a full two seasons since I’ve watched my beloved Steelers play. Ben is nearing retirement, Antonio Brown was apparently uninvited to the Pro Bowl, and I guess now the Kardashians have something to do with it? As much as it breaks my heart to miss them Burgh boys barely miss the playoffs and listen to Coach Tomlin’s answer as to why without mever really giving an answer, I can’t help but feel good about my continued boycott of the racist as ever National Football League.
ELLE The Druggg 